I haven’t disappeared, friends, it’s just that the Abilify stopped working for me and I unfortunately plunged into a severe, persistent depression. Insert overused rabbit hole metaphor here. I keep hoping I’m going to have the energy to write, the will to write, something to write about, but all I’m tuning in here on the radio station in my head is silence. It’s also hard to write much when you’re not doing much. I’m basically immobilized aside from the essentials – sleeping, going to work, feeding family members, taking care of basic chores and basic family needs and basic personal care. It’s all I can do to take care of the must-dos.
I’m on week three of trying a new antidepressant – Pristiq – and as far as I can tell it’s doing exactly nothing, aside from make me starkly anorexic. My appetite vanished when I started taking it, and I am struggling to eat anything at all. Even when things sound interesting to eat, the intrigue only lasts for a few bites and then I’m back to force feeding myself.
I hoped that with warmer, sunnier weather, my mood would lift. Hasn’t happened yet. Doesn’t mean it won’t happen. Just hasn’t happened yet.
I’m trying to take performance pressure off of myself – and just trust that things will sort out with time.
I’ve been depressed before, but never this depressed, and never for this long – I’ve been struggling with this on and off for 8 months now. My GP did discover that I have a pretty wild hormonal imbalance that we are working to correct – perhaps solving that will solve the depression. Perhaps not. No clear answers.
I’m doing the best that I can under the circumstances. I’m sure relief is right around the corner, I just seem to be moving in slow motion rounding that corner.