I know that declaring inevitable failure in my calendaring endeavors isn’t a very positive way to spin this whole issue, but it’s an accurate way of describing how I FEEL about it.
I don’t like writing things “to-do” on certain days because I’m afraid of failing at doing any of them, and then being reminded by the damn calendar. Of course, if I don’t try, that’s a whole other brand of failure. Failure to manage my life. Sigh.
This is giving me greater insight though – as to why I try to cram so much into EVERY single day. It’s because I’m afraid of not producing at all…and I feel I cannot rely on my productivity…which means I want to do all of the things at once, as insurance. Just in case I can’t get my shit together when I need to on a particular day.
Of course the result of this is always burnout, and…dundundunnnnn…a feeling of failure, because of course no human can operate that way indefinitely without causing themselves problems. Stress. Heartache. Disappointment. Strained relationships. Workaholism. Blah.
So I’m going to do something I haven’t done in a long, long time. I have certain tasks I’m going to write into certain days on my calendar, in order to try to budget my time realistically.
This is no small feat, when your sense of time is skewed. That’s why I’m doing it very conservatively. See, I already cut out most of my extracurricular activities. In order to create time for healthier activities. Like relaxing. And calendaring things.
Here I go…writing things in the calendar…and realizing that I have to get a new planner because it’s the end of the year…gaaaah…I’ll just get one EXACTLY like this one so I don’t have to look at them all again and have “planner aisle meltdown”.
Okay. Deep breaths here.