Though I’m not sure that I expressed it as articulately as I would have liked, I opened up this topic yesterday. This idea that while some of my anxiety is, I believe, just a manifestation of my natural “circuitry”, for lack of a better description, some of it, and the bulk of what I’m moving through right now, is a response to my life circumstances and environment.
One urgently clear aspect of it, is that when my solar plexus is invaded by tightness, to a point that is almost intolerable, if I return to the idea that I am experiencing fear, and just sit with that feeling, the tightness begins to dissipate.
To date, in the past 13 months that I’ve been dealing with this most unwelcome anxiety manifestation, that is the ONLY non-pharmaceutical thing that has reliably given me relief. (Lorazepam saved my sanity the other day, but it’s not a good long-term solution, due to its addictive potential. Plus…I just prefer dealing in reality.) And so, over and over, for the past several days, when the fear takes hold, I’ve just given a name to the feeling…and others, if they are present…and refrained from judgement about them. I just let them be. They do not feel good. They do not feel pleasant. But they do feel real, and this seems to hold value for me.
I don’t know how much longer I will need to repeat this process. I don’t know how much longer I will be in “this space”. I don’t know how much longer I will need to experience this as a manual, step-by-step process. I certainly don’t know how much longer this urgent fear will rise up to grab and attempt to hold me still. But…I will keep sitting in it and repeating the process of validation of my feelings as many times as I have to. I will simply remind myself what it is.
And sit with it. And see what happens.