Sometimes (like right now), I really feel like the more I try to make my life manageable…the more understimulated, more irritated, and more generally directionless I feel. I’ve been on a bit of a roller coaster lately, with many stressful factors interplaying to knock me off base. But everything is boring and dumb and aggravating. I don’t want to be overcommitted, but I also don’t want to be bored out of my mind, restless and pissed off. Is there some magical middle ground here? Somewhere? I just feel like I want to light things on fire right now. Things, people, stuff, conversations, all of the things. Yes, I think my meds have essentially worn off for the day and I feel like I sound like a human tornado. I feel just like this with my meds lately too – except slightly less angry. I can’t focus. I can’t get anything done. It’s like nails on a chalkboard in the back of my mind and I want to do ALL of the things but none of the things I’m supposed to do. It’s like there’s something grinding inside of my body and it won’t stop. I really don’t want to do anything routine that I need to do. Like sleeping – that’s a real challenge when your brain seems to have deactivated its own “off” switch.
I finally got a good night’s sleep last night though, and had a vivid dream. In the dream, I was with a friend and we seemed to be on some kind of journey together – not a big meaningful one, but we were coming and going to various places. Well in the dream, my hair was longer than it is now, and I had it pulled up into a messy bun type of arrangement. I was proud of my hair, and in my hair, lived four beautiful goldfish, buried in the waves of hair. As is the logic of dreams, there was nothing weird about this – the fish had a damp, habitable home in my luxurious hair, and it seemed to work for them. They were bright, colorful orange fish, some with a bit of white on them. Healthy, shiny and beautiful – the fancy kind of goldfish, with pretty tails and fins. At one point, I realized that I needed to wash my hair. I carefully took my bun down and delicately removed the fish. I set them aside for as long as it took to wash my hair, but something distracted me while I was repinning my hair – I put one of the fish back…but by the time I got back to the three remaining fish, they were dried and dead. I’d left them too long, and I was incredibly distressed about this.
I woke up and immediately looked these images up in an online dream dictionary. Hair can be a metaphor for your personal power…and goldfish, specifically, a symbol of your wealth. Let’s put this in the context of the metaphor of my dream: I “let my hair down” and my wealth shrivelled and died. I released my personal power…was distracted from retrieving it…and was unable to recover something valuable, as a result.
Later in the same dream, I’d come across a giant, football-sized tarantula, eating alive something that was dear to me. I can’t even remember what it was eating. I only remember that the spider was horrifyingly large, with strong, compact legs, and focused intent. The crisis was immediate and the only way for me to stop the massacre was to reach in and grab it with my bare hand, and smack it out of the way. Know that I am deeply terrified of spiders. Tarantulas, though I logically understand that they are harmless, are visually unnerving to say the least. My subconscious was hitting my panic button with this one.
The dream dictionary said something about how a tarantula represents your own dark and sinister side. So I’m terrified of my own dark side – repulsed by it even, disgusted, terrified to touch it.
Basically, my subconscious mind is afraid that my own impulsive side is going to ruin me.
That sounds about right.
I don’t really have much to add to that, actually.
Sometimes I’m so tired of driving this friggin’ mental circus train.