Before they even knew me well, and before they had listened to me for many hours, talking and talking and talking and talking, the diagnosticians who, well, diagnosed me with ADHD, after a few assessment sessions, said this: Though physical hyperactivity doesn’t seem to be a prominent symptom for you, we suspect that your hyperactivity is a mental one, and that it propels you physically.
Totally true. What they know now, however, is that my mental hyperactivity also propels my mouth.
This is one of my ADHD features that I embarrass myself with the most. I’m a pretty open book. I just tell people stuff. Which is fine. Until I keep talking. And talking. And talking. And winding down verbal and mental rabbit holes into whole new galaxies. People who find this endearing like me. People who don’t, don’t.
One of the embarrassing moments from childhood that haunts me to this day is of being seated on the bus with one of the “cool” girls. I was only sitting with her because we were both in an honors chorus together for our school district and because we represented our school, we were stuck together. Well I’d recently had kittens born under my bed and I started talking about them, and at some point she finally interrupted me and said…in a tone that really made clear that she was cooler than me…”Boy, you really like your cats.”
TRUE STORY, BITCH.
I fucking loved those cats.
Most 10-yr-old girls love cats, unless they’re jaded, “cool” assholes.
Anyway. I do this all the time. I do it less when I have stimulant meds on board. And I really try NOT to in certain situations, and I really try to be aware that I do it so that I can dismiss myself before I embarrass myself and I’m better at that than I used to be. But it really hurts my heart that I do this and that it ANNOYS people.
I just can’t stop thinking. And I think best out loud. At least I have interesting things to talk about – I’m kind of a human encyclopedia. I just have to remember that not everybody appreciates this trait…and not even the people who like it, like it all the time. Like my husband, he often finds the things I’m talking about highly amusing, but he also sometimes needs a break. He also has his own ADHD superpower of inattentiveness though and hey, these two things go together quite well, in fact I think it keeps him from being more overwhelmed by all of my talking.
Ever wonder how a person with ADHD can do a pretty good job of blogging fairly regularly? Or how I can sometimes post three posts in a day? See where I’m going with this? When ideas are exploding out of you brain 24/7 unless otherwise medicated, it’s pretty easy.
And if I’m feeling anxious, it’s worse, because then I ruminate like none other. I can hardly stand to be around myself when that happens. (Like, this week. Ermagherd.)
So yeah. I talk a lot. When people say that thing they say about people with ADHD sometimes being “driven like a motor”, it’s a good description of what happens with my mouth. It’s funny…but it’s also very frustrating. And tiring.
I’m even tired of talking about it right now.
I’m gonna go talk to my cat. About something else.