Many folks with ADHD have to put some effort into not saying inappropriate things in the company of others. That’s probably part of why I talk to myself when I’m alone. I can say WHATEVER I WANT AND IT IS JOYFUL. However, I can also say whatever I want in my head. And sometimes I really disgust myself. But hey, as long as it doesn’t come out of my mouth, right? Privacy is beautiful, if you are able to cultivate it.
I often long to be a sweet, calm, non-reactive person, but I am who I am and I have the brain that I’ve got. And this is one situation in life where keeping secrets in the best thing you can do. I really appall myself sometimes though.
The funny thing about these impulsive types of thoughts is that they often don’t even correspond to what I really think or feel – because hello, they’re impulsive and they’re not totally thought through. And I often find that I have to take myself through a whole unpacking process in a reactive moment, in the private space in my brain, that goes something like this (an actual conversation I had with myself in the car yesterday):
“OMG, she’s a huge BITCH and she needs to get out from behind my car right the FUCK now.” <—my first thought.
“You don’t really think she’s a bitch.” <—–me being embarrassed that this is the first thing that popped into my head, even though nobody else knows this is what I’m thinking.
“Are you kidding, look at her fucking haircut, it’s a SUPER BITCHY hair cut.” <—–me being reactive to MYSELF and trying to justify my initial bitchy thought.
“Okay it was bad.” <—–me unable to deny that indeed, that bitch had a super bitchy hairdo.
“What the fuck is wrong with me, why do I even think like this? She’s probably a perfectly nice person…with a bitchy haircut.” <——-me, much chagrinned at my own reactivity.
“Right, because she’s a fucking bitch.” <——-reactive me, getting the last word.
BIG SIGH. <———chagrinned me, letting it go by moving some air around.
Now it might be easy to say “wait, what does this have to do with ADHD, you sound like a horrible person, plain and simple”. Maybe I am. But at least I’ve just had so many years of practice with inserting an internal argument before letting the words come out, that I’ve just developed a way to route my inappropriate thoughts more appropriately. Do I really think this woman is a “bitch”? No. I don’t even know her. I don’t like her haircut, but her haircut is none of my business. Inserting this neurotic filter might leave me slightly distracted for a few seconds if this woman were to speak to me for some reason, but at least it would keep me socially appropriate.
Not surprisingly, I find that when I take stimulant meds, I spend way less energy having these angst-fueled conversations with myself…because I’m not having the crabby, reactive thoughts in the first place. That’s why I take medication. Not because I can’t put a ton of energy into coping around things (like reactive thinking) but because why would I, when medication can help me spend much less energy to get an even better result? I guess you can insert your solution of choice here…but personally, I really appreciate not having such negative thoughts in the first place. They’re never productive, they always burn energy that I could be using for better things, and because of that, they’re exhausting. Even more exhausting because I have to find ways to manage them appropriately.
So now I’m gonna go listen to some fucking meditation music or some crap, bitches!