I used to have this illusion that I was really tough somehow.
I worked in a bakery, in college, and I remember confidently hoisting 50-lb sacks of flower around with relative ease, despite the fact that they were about half my weight.
When I was three, and my grandmother tried to dress me up like a little doll, my response was “get this junk off me”.
I thrive on challenges. I revisit “no” situations and try to turn them into “yes” situations.
If there’s a loophole, and it’s worth the trouble, I’ll go through it, oh yes, I will.
I’m persistent. I gather information, and I dig for it, and I collect it until I can connect all of the dots, whatever those dots may be.
I took on three fully-formed children as a stepparent.
The only thing driving any of these large and small moments – has been belief. Plenty of people have skill, and talent, but many of them don’t have the belief that they can try new things, or that they can be a catalyst. I have belief.
My kids sometimes say “hug me, my hug-o-nator is running low”. Well my belief-o-nator is nearly on empty today.
My body is apparently so finely tuned that my energy and enthusiasm are felled on a regular basis by the slightest of impositions. Anxiety can derail me. Depression is the very sludge of doom. ADHD is an unpredictable bag of tricks. Gluten can sideline me for days and days. And now – seasonal allergies. I always forget how bad they can be, but for me, they’re a whole body experience.
I don’t get itchy eyes, watery face, sniffles…not usually anyway. I get stuffed sinuses and an invasive, full body fatigue. FATIGUE. DAMN YOU, FATIGUE. Sopping wet, heavy fatigue. I can’t function like this, you relentless asshole! I have things to do! I’m feeling pretty damn good about life overall! YOU ARE RUINING IT.
It’s hard to feel tough when little things kick your ass like you’re nuthin’. And the remedies? Allergy remedies generally do one of two things to me – they create FATIGUE and knock me out, or they just don’t work. Or they only address nasal symptoms and not the full body invasion that I apparently need to address.
FUCK THIS, OKAY? Just FUCK THIS.
I have the anxiety mostly under management. I have the gluten issue mostly contained. I really do understand that there are people in the world with way bigger challenges, and actual problems. Far bigger health challenges, for sure. It’s just that the types of issues that I have are JUST enough to make me unable to be really fully functional. I feel like I”m being pecked to death by hummingbirds. One hummingbird is harmless. A handful are magical. A swarm of them and it won’t matter how pretty they are as a single – they’ll obstruct your view and motion in a swarm. Too much of anything can be a bad thing. Except maybe money. Too much money is a problem I’d love to have.
I am not an easily deterred person and I am not a person who dwells on negative things (thanks to medication, haha) – but it’s hard not to notice, and be frustrated, when little, stupid crap trips you up. I deal with one and then another one pops up.
I am on a rampage looking for an allergy remedy today. I’m waiting for a call back from my mental health prescriber to see if there’s anything she recommends steering clear of – because as I so eloquently stated, FUCK THIS.