ADHD / Adult ADHD / Anxiety

Freezing, from the inside, out.

I am so effing restless right now I’m driving myself bonkers.

I think I used to feel this way a lot, and because of medication and life changes and therapy and all that good stuff, I just don’t feel angst-ridden and tortured very often anymore – or at least not for very long.

But it’s winter. And tomorrow, a giant snow storm is blowing in. And it’s the holiday season, so there’s no routine, or normal daily anchors – it’s wonderful and it’s disorienting.

I feel like I’m blindfolded and gently spinning, with a pointing finger, outstretched – and when I uncover my eyes, I have no idea what I’ll be pointing at.

Meanwhile, life is happening. It doesn’t stop just because you have butterflies in your stomach, and you can’t make a decision that lasts more than five minutes. Can’t decide what to eat. What to “do”. What to wear. It doesn’t stop, just because you are trapped in a pocket of existential pondering. Or whatever it is. I’m making the thinnest of attempts at putting on a face for the world outside my house. Answer a few messages. Make a few posts. Wander into the kitchen – then wander back to the livingroom. Yearn for a place to go, but recoil at the thought of leaving the house.

I feel like I can’t stay and I can’t go. I can’t act, react, or avoid. I can’t stick with a decision, yet feel compelled to make them. I don’t know that I would call it anxiety – at least not in the terms that I would usually define it. It’s a fight between kinetic and potential energy, a strained paralysis.

Right this minute, I’m stuffing chocolate chips into my mouth. I’d do it straight from the bag, but I thought it might feel more special if I put them into a pretty little handmade bowl first. So I did. Net result – they’re still getting stuffed in my mouth. They still taste pretty good. Nothing has been accomplished. Maybe that’s okay.

I’m wearing my hard core winter boots. Felt-lined badasses. And I’m wrapped in my heated blanket. It’s 10 degrees farenheit outside. But I’m freezing from the inside, out.

At midnight, we’ll all be subsumed by white flakes. White flakes will be subsumed by white flakes, insulating us from the air, from sound, from sight. Layer, upon layer, upon layer.

I’ll still be here. Whirling internally. Wondering what happens next.

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5 thoughts on “Freezing, from the inside, out.

  1. Katy, So glad I found your blog. I’m experiencing the same thing today. Weekends and holidays are difficult with no outside structure! Thanks for being so real about what ADD is like. You express it very well. I’m 60. Diagnosed around age 40. Somehow I continually find the mystery of how my own brain works to be interesting, challenging. I’m always figuring out new ways to plan, new “games” to help me stay motivated. Life is often so hard. It’s frustrating for basic things that come so easily for others to take up so much of my energy and brain power. Glad to know someone else who “gets” it. Have a good day and a very happy 1214!

    • I know what you mean, Susie – living productively with ADHD absolutely requires lifelong learning and a willingness to try new things! I find that something with be “true” for my brain for a few months sometimes…then it just doesn’t “work” anymore and I have to come up with a new trick. There are days when I find this a bit exhausting, but as you say, sometimes it really can be a fun new puzzle, to unlock the secret of what will work for you at that time.

      Thank you for visiting and reading 🙂

  2. Katy, in the past when I was having a hard ADHD/bi polar time I would go in search of a forum, but since I found your blog a few years ago, this is where I always come on off days because I know you keep it real, but you don’t make me feel worse.

    I’m an articulate person but I haven’t been able put anything to paper lately, and I’m also the person everyone else comes to for advice and I’ve started folding in on myself because I’ve never felt this unstable for this long. The hardest part for me lately is wishing I was quiet. Even if it meant leaving my kids behind I would welcome the quiet of being planted in the earth… and I don’t even feel guilty for those feelings being part of my reality because I am an amazing mother and I would never leave my family, I will never stop fighting for my family, but sometimes I don’t know how to process that yearning for quiet, it seems like something a psychiatrist would switch to capital letters to write in their notes.

    Today this post made me feel a little less alone in the world, a little less strange, I absolutely had to stop and thank you for that.

    • Oh, you are so, so welcome. What a kind comment, thank YOU (switching to capital letters for emphasis, and not for any other significance, haha). We mental health travellers sure do find ourselves in some strange territory sometimes, don’t we? I am glad that my words were good company for you. I was actually having kind of a “loss for words” day when I wrote this post, but I felt that I had to write…something. I just had to. When I feel really depressed, I call the having to write even though I don’t feel really focused about it “grabbing onto the side”. Sometimes you have to just grab onto the side of the pool and rest for a little while before diving back in, and that’s ok. I know it’s hard when those feelings last for a long time…just remember that they do go away, and there are always good things when they do, always. Take care…I really appreciated your comment.

  3. Katy, in the past when I was having a hard ADHD/bi polar time I would go in search of a forum, but since I found your blog a few years ago, this is where I always come on off days because I know you keep it real, but you don’t make me feel worse.

    I’m an articulate person but I haven’t been able put anything to paper lately, and I’m also the person everyone else comes to for advice and I’ve started folding in on myself because I’ve never felt this unstable for this long and the medicine dance is wearing me out. The hardest part for me lately is wishing I was quiet. Even if it meant leaving my kids behind I would welcome the quiet of being planted in the earth… and I don’t even feel guilty for those feelings being part of my reality because I am an amazing mother and I would never leave my family, I will never stop fighting for my family, but sometimes I don’t know how to process that yearning for quiet, it seems like something a psychiatrist would switch to capital letters to write in their notes.

    Today this post made me feel a little less alone in the world, a little less strange, I absolutely had to stop and thank you for that.

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