Anyone out there get “routine rage”?
Routine rage is the feeling I get after the novelty of a new routine wears off and it’s boring now and I’m hit with the realization that even though I’m bored with it now I probably have to keep doing it.
The feeling I get when I get to that point and then…make myself push past it.
It defies logic. And you should hear the conversations in my head as I try to talk myself out of it (as any adult ADHDer with a certain amount of therapy under their belt should at least attempt).
“Oh FUCK are you kidding me?! No. I won’t do it.”
“Yes you will.”
“NO I WON’T. YOU CAN’T MAKE ME.”
“You’re a selfish asshole.”
“You’re right. I am. But there’s no way in shit I’m doing that right now. I don’t want to and you can’t make me. You fucking bitch.”
“Are you still talking? While you’re still talking, you could have already DONE that shit.”
My grumpy half dissolves into a wordless silent salad of bad words with a white hot rage dressing.
Meanwhile, this morning, my dogs are sitting there wagging their tails, waiting for me to take them for a walk, while I’m staring at the wall swearing at myself.
I love spending time with the dogs. The dogs are my people. Animals are my people. i like most animals better than I like 98.7% of humans. The problem is, I hate having to do the same things at the same time every day because it makes me FREAK. OUT.
As a result of my probably selfish resistance to routine, one of our dogs has an unreliable potty habits issue. I’m trying to turn the situation around. They definitely always get out often enough, several times a day, but I’ve never been able to maintain a schedule for them. And so, two weeks ago, I decided that I would start creating a routine in such a way that I would sneak it up on myself. I decided that every morning at 9am, we would take the morning walk.
I was able to stick with that for a week, so I kept going for a second week. It turned out to be a decent way to finish waking myself up in the morning.
Until this morning. When I REALLY DIDN’T WANNA. And when I told myself I had to, for the dogs…I’ll tell you straight up, there was no love in my heart. Just a nasty ol’ piece of meat in my chest, pumping hate throughout my body.
I made myself do it anyway. I was so uncomfortable I nearly had an out of body experience. It was one of those times when I wished I did drugs because I wanted an immediate escape. I’m sure the dogs appreciated it, they’re an easy audience. But I don’t even know how this will go in the morning. I take my meds before I go. I take a different route every morning because doing the same route is just too much to take. But…I’ve taken every route now. There’s no new routes. THERE’S NO WAY OUT.
Hey dogs? Dogs? Why the shit don’t you guys speak English?
Do you think they might give me permission to stop with this routine shit? If they spoke English? (Considering this scenario in my head…they might agree if there were hot dogs involved…)
This is precisely why, ideally speaking, an ADHD household with at least one ADHD parent needs a second grown up of some kind, handy and available. Children, like dogs, thrive on routine, and we have a lot of kid routines in our house…but I know that I, personally, would struggle if I had to maintain all of the kid routines by myself all of the time.
Yes that’s right folks – I can’t handle dog routines but I am raising America’s next generation.