Generalized anxiety disorder and ADHD share that fine quality.
Sometimes I wish they would both go away.
10-ish days ago I visited my therapist and I remember she asked me the routine questions. Here were my responses:
Do you have any depression: no
Do you have any anxiety: nope, not really, I feel pretty good
Are you suicidal: absolutely not
Are you homicidal: hmmmm, let see…um no
Each of those answers was absolutely true. I felt great. Any anxiety I was experiencing was directly related to some things going on in my life that ANYONE in the same position would be experiencing…it was purely situational and we had plenty of time to talk about those situations.
This is that other kind, the kind that is almost unbearable. If there was a switch I would turn it off. Medication isn’t really a switch. It’s a vacation. I am grateful for the vacation, I used to feel this way all the time after all, but it’s true that the contrast between the vacation and the return to reality makes what used to be routine harder to bear.
I can’t stop tightening my throat muscles in a particular way. I’m unsettled and a little propelled…driven to move, to talk, to “do”, and with a certain intensity. I pick at my skin. Uncomfortable in any given moment…unable to settle on a peaceful moment. Like a butterfly I go from flower to flower but each flower is on fire and I must keep moving. Unable to land, I tighten my throat, over and over while my legs search for a way to connect my feet to the floor.
Through this, I function in my life, but it is just so uncomfortable, and I do not enjoy this feeling of intensity. It’s just too much.
And what does it mean? My medication seems to do something for me most of the time…except for you know, most of last winter when I was horribly depressed but too depressed to realize that I was depressed. Or you know, every so often, seems like at least once every 6 weeks where my anxiety level just seems to be too much for a bit…some of it is hormones…is all of it hormones? Are my meds just not right? Is it unrealistic to expect to feel better more of the time? Or am I just so enmeshed in the fibers of this anxiety right now that I’m not even thinking clearly.
All I know for sure is that I don’t feel good. I cannot find peace in my own skin, and though I am functioning in my daily life, I am so uncomfortable.
It’s never forever. The anxiety…the vacation from the anxiety…none of it is ever forever. And honestly I am worried about what may happen as the seasons change. It took a long time, to recover from last winter’s depression. In this northern paradise we call home, winter is long…and here it comes. I’m afraid to get stuck there again. Terrific, now I’m pairing the situational anxiety on top of the chemical one…wahooo!
Maybe I need to print this blog post when I see my prescriber next month. Maybe I’m not as insightful as I like to think I am. Maybe the meds are wrong. Maybemaybemaybe.