For years, I avoided having to fit myself anywhere, by simply keeping my options open. More recently, I have made targeted, calculated choices based on conscientiously selected criteria…and I still end up dissatisfied. I know that life can’t ever be perfect. I would just like to be one of those people…one of those people who talk about how their home life is really “satisfying” to them, about how their job is really “fulfilling” and makes them “happy”. About how their network of family and friends is the best a person could ever hope for…actually I DO feel like that a lot of the time, but because of my perpetual struggle with making time for “relaxation” I don’t get all of the free-time with friends and family that I would like. That’s not their fault though, they’re still great.
Do I rely on a certain sense of dissatistfaction to keep me engaged? Do I require a feeling of unsettlement, in order to feel normal. Is slightly unhappy my default setting? And is it learned or inherent? Am I just a shapeshifting peg with a chronic case of refusal?
Or am I just in a really strange spot in life right now where I just don’t feel quite “right” (despite the fact that I’m actually probably mentally healthier than I’ve ever been) because the pieces around me just aren’t quite correct?
I love my family, but it’s a fact that my home life is often stressful. My home is very different from what I grew up with…and totally different from anything I ever imagined it might be.
And my job…well it has its plusses but there are chunks of it that are simply not defined. I knew this going into it…but the feeling of moving through that reality is still awkward at times.
I’m usually able to write blog posts that come to a natural and pointed conclusion but today I just don’t have it in me…because the nature of the issue is as filmy as an unwashed window.