But I was trying to protect them.
But I was trying to protect myself.
But I didn’t think they would love me if they knew.
But I don’t think they’ll want to be my friend if I tell them.
But I didn’t think it would hurt anyone.
But they’ll leave if I tell them.
But reality is boring.
But my real life isn’t very interesting.
But I don’t want people to know who I really am.
And it’s all a huge fucking waste of time. I realize this is hypocrisy for a semi-anonymous blogger. I omit certain truths about my identity in order to protect my family’s privacy. It’s an extremely moral flavor of untruth because I have dependent children who deserve the protection of anonymity. So…I’m eliminating that variety from the conversation as well.
Oh, okay, there are sometimes life and death situations where you have to lie. Yesyesyes, I KNOW. But that’s not what I’m talking about.
I’m talking about the cheap stuff. The manipulative stuff. The stuff that dishonest relationships and families are built upon. The stuff you say yes to because it “made you feel bad” to say no. The stuff you said to make someone do something they didn’t want to do. The stuff that keeps people from knowing who you really are. The stuff that you think you’re protecting yourself with. The stuff that helps keep things sick. Part of being a victim is often “saying yes” to things you don’t even want to say yes to.
It’s easy for people who don’t see themselves as “normal” to feel that they should lie to fit in. It’s so easy it’s just plain lazy. And it’s fabulous insurance that you will, indeed, always be alone. Even in a crowd.
I’ve eliminated a lot of liars from my life…the big challenge was learning not to pick them again, over and over and the only way to get past that was to start being honest myself. That was my half of the responsibility, my half of the work. I sound like a pompous ass on this topic because I’ve been there. And when you work really hard to put yourself out there and really be present in relationships with other people, you lose patience for people who take the lazyman’s approach.
I would rather spend my life alone, than spend it surrounded by people who ask me to drink poison. And I wish more people felt the same way.