On the other hand, I am running around anticipating something bad happening. Nothing in particular. Vigilant. My brain is a computer trying to send a message, but it can’t find a network…so it just searches and searches and searches…and searches…even though I may be exhausted. Even though my logical mind has assessed the situation and determined that there are no threats, and nothing else that should warrant the state of vigilance. It’s part of what drives me to get so much done, because I really just can’t stop…if I do stop, then I get really anxious, I want to drink something, I want to DO something, I want to smoke cigarettes that I normally wouldn’t because I’m not even a smoker. So I work.
Nothing is more annoying to me than when people say “oh, make a list and keep it by your bed and write things down and then you’ll feel SOOOOO much better!”. Sooooooo doesn’t work for me. Oh I write things down…I write whole novels full of notes, ideas, etc…between the anxiety and the ADHD my brain is constantly occupied. I could be up writing things down all night. Sometimes I nearly am!
Last night the vigilance and the sense of dread were too much. I had asked my boyfriend about 20 times “are you okay” because I was trying to find something wrong to explain my anxiety…but of course…nothing was wrong. Nothing was wrong. That’s good…but when your chemicals in your brain are misfiring despite the logic that ALSO lives in your brain telling you to stop…this is where we find the line between worry and disorder.
I still don’t want to take anything for it right away. I need to just finish this last semester.
But…now that I know what it’s like to NOT feel this way all the time, it’s breaking my heart to feel this way again.