I put off calling my NP about my meds earlier this week a) because I had a good day and just wanted to enjoy it and then b) thought my appt with him was this week anyway…realized I was wrong…called him this morning.
He wants to do a grand experiment called…taking me off of anti-depressants/anti-anxiety meds entirely just to see what happens. Because I’ve been having really bad anxiety. (Pause) At least I can laugh 🙂 Because that’s funny. It actually makes sense because one of the common side effects of most of the medications that treat anxiety, is of course anxiety. That’s a pretty mean reality for those of us with anxiety issues. Trying medications then becomes a process of “hmm, I feel anxious…is this the same anxiety I usually feel? Is it different? How is it different? What is it making me feel like I want to do or not do? Did I have this feeling last week before he raised the dosage? Will my ADHD even let me remember back that far, lol? Is it possible that my stimulant medication is making me anxious? Where did I put that bottle of Ativan, and do I really even want to take it?
This anxiety I have been feeling really sucks…and feel more like “the old days” than I have for a while. I don’t notice it until it’s bad…it’s like someone turned on a tv, and there’s nothing but white noise, and then they just kept turning up the volume hoping I wouldn’t notice, and I don’t for a little while, and then I realize I feel compelled to do annoying repetitive little gestures, I am irritable, and feel jumpy…I have a little butterfly in my stomach (but totally different from the freaking jello butterfly of doom in my stomach when I took the generic Celexa many moons ago…see what I mean…it’s these subtle differences in types of anxiety that you notice after you’ve tried several meds…).
I am really coming to understand that it’s true: aside from actual serious mental illnesses, of the lesser mental health issues a person could have, it really sucks to treat the combination of ADHD and anxiety. I’m very frustrated…not with my prescriber, but with my brain chemistry. There’s just no reason, in my opinion, which is hardly based in medical fact, that I should be having THIS MUCH anxiety, while taking THIS MUCH Remeron…and then having to boost it with Ativan…no thanks. Remeron (Mirtazapine is the generic that I take) was working great for a while. I was loving feeling relaxed.
So he’s tapering me off of it, and then wants to see what happens when I just take Concerta, with no anti-anxiety meds. I understand that this will help him figure out another path…but I can’t help thinking “um…we already know what happens when I take nothing…I have anxiety!”.
I DID start taking dance classes again this week though…so hopefully that will help me burn off a little anxiety while we’re undertaking this latest experiment.
I’m just nervous because having seen what it’s like to live without anxiety…I’m afraid to go back to my natural state. I really am. It wasn’t pleasant, that’s why I came to ask for help/diagnosis in the first place!
In the middle of this, of course, life goes on. And I was up until 2AM cleaning because my misbehaving dog and cats had an all-out territory marking war, which ruined one whole couch, peppered the rest of the house with puddles of piss, my female cat got all annoyed that her litterbox had been elevated (to keep the puppy out of it) and decided to stop using it, which resulted in PILES of cat poop…I declared a Holy War in the name of any god that would steop up the the task, quarantined all the animals separately, and cleaned the whole house from top to bottom. I had no choice…not only was it disgusting, but it stank, and my poor roommate shouldn’t have to deal with it. Household management is key to domestic tranquility.
This is after they pissed all over my notebook I had put together to keep me organized last week…which I had to start all over again…and my paychecks…and my little notekeeping notebooks that I carry…and my bag that has just the right compartments in it to keep me knowing where my stuff is.
And there’s a few clients at the office that…honestly, I wish I could just “disappear” with a magic wand. Why? Because they’re totally anxiety cases and they’re stressing me out. Sometimes client management really sucks.
So…at least managing the dog and cats seems to be working. And as always, I have to remind myself…I get more done dealing with this circus than most people do without…