There’s a lot of balls of wax that have formed to create the present I’m sitting in right this second, but I’ll stick to a couple of key incidents from last week that combined to exacerbate my anxiety to the point that I have taken more Ativan in three days than in my entire life previously (for the record, that’s 4 tiny ones…but for me, that’s a lot). I really and truly could not function without taking the edge off of my anxiety and honestly, other than a few panic attacks in the past, that is extraordinary for me. I can usually continue trudging forward through all kinds of shelling and mortar attacks.
But when the attacks hit closer to your heart…closer to your privacy…closer to the things you hold dearest (like your privacy…yes, I blog, but I value privacy!)…when the snipers hit the mark, it’s intended to be lethal, and popping back up with a smile on your face is a damn challenge.
I’ve been productive for sure…but emotionally, I am utterly wasted.
Sparing the details, since they’re not terribly pretty…there were a couple if things that happened last week, the culmination of a couple of different issues, that really and truly hit me in the guts.
First, I hear from my boss that someone very close to me informed one of my boss’s CHILDREN that I have a mental health problem and they should be very concerned about me. You know…because me, I’m INSANE! (pause) I assure you, I am not having outlandish mental health issues that don’t live here in this blog. I do have some rude passengers along on my journey. It’s been a problem…now it’s REALLY a problem. I don’t know what to do about it. At least my boss is all good.
Second, a certain person who shouldn’t be prying into my life in such a way decided to have me “investigated”. Investigated.* I’m not joking. For what purpose? Who knows! I live a pretty transparent life, anything they needed to know is on Google…which is precisely why they were pissed, because there wasn’t any dirt. They were angry because they found out who I am and sure enough, I’m a helpful, proactive and well-known member of my community. But again, MY BOSS was called by this investigator who wanted to ask him questions about me, which makes it MY crap. He hung up on them. (To be clear, I am not involved in any illegal activities, elicit love affairs, or other things that could prompt such scrutiny. I’m sorry to be so mysterious but…hey, I respect other people’s privacy even if they don’t respect mine!)
Good thing my boss knows all about me, and we have a great relationship, otherwise, this could have caused me some serious problems.
I feel violated…I don’t know why the world seems chock full right now, of people who think they have a right to use ME and MY PERSONAL INFORMATION as some kind of pawn for their weird little ego games.
As for the people close to me who for some reason think it’s cool to up the ante in the dysfunction pool because I won’t play their game…it feels like someone dear has died, and my heart is broken.
As for my privacy being violated? I am disappointed to even know that people act that way.
But I am also upset that in both of these instances, MY privacy and personhood are being violated and disrespected by people with really, REALLY bad boundary issues. And I have some important people in my life that I now cannot trust and likely will never trust again.
I am mourning this like a death. Hence, my anxiety level is just heartbreaking.
I am also angry…angry that these people are behaving in ways that endanger MY mental health progress. I can’t even tell if my meds are working if my overall stress in life is so crazy that I need Ativan boosters. Specifically relating to the persons “close” to me who are misbehaving, they have been subjecting me to a steady, disrespectful diet of disapproval over my mental health decisions for months now. Why? Because the dysfunction doesn’t work for me anymore, so I am making new decisions AND respecting their right to remain as they are…but that’s not enough for them. How much higher do that stakes go? They don’t. It stops here. If I have to protect myself with silence, I will.
So I called my therapist to see if she had an opening. She called me back. I answer the phone and I hear “Hungarian Embassy, we heard that you were in need of assistance?”.
Yes, oh yes I am.
*edited from a prior version because my ADHD fingers probably typed a little more than they shoudl have. It’s all good, but a re-read made me go “hmmm…yep…too much info, lol”.