ADHD

And today…

…wracked with anxiety and assaulted by BIGBIG THOUGHTS. Dammit, this is how we know I’m not bipolar…because I’m NOT enjoying this! Low grade mania/high grade compulsion paired with more ideas than a person knows what to do with is totally crazymaking.

I took the medication and am just trying to decide if it’s so smooth and gradual that on a day like this it’ll take a couple hours to get my ass back on the rail, or if I’m heading into dangerous pre-menstrual territory where the meds don’t work worth a shit and I am a wingnut for a week.

Sigh. Grrrrrrrr. Sitting on couch with puppy but mentally fumbling for the lightswitch that will make all of these dark corners go away, and frighten the freight-train of AMAZING IDEAS into submission.

Days like this are the reason I wonder if what we now call ADHD will someday be sliced down into several smaller, more accurate diagnoses. I read often of the “inattentive” or “daydreamy” ADHDers (hello to you all!) who have a hard time firing up their brain. I spend my days looking for the firehose that’s gonna slow this four alarm blaze down. My mind alone puts the H in ADHD, all fidgets aside.

I really, really want to give in to the compulsion to clean or organize something, to make at least my outer world feel more in control, but I keep telling myself that I should just “let go” and let myself do something “creative”. But I know that cleaning and organizing is going to feel really good and it will certainly feel better than arguing with myself! And I should know from history that I can have this argument all day and then I’ll really feel crappy because I won’t even have a clean room.

Alright, that’s it. Maybe I’ll set a timer, but I’m going to go clean my room. Maybe by the time I finish, the meds will have kicked in just enough to settle the confetti.

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