How did anyone NOT notice this…

…I am having one of those days when I seriously cannot believe that nobody ever thought “ADHD” when I was younger.

I generally avoid caffeine because it can trigger anxiety, but today, because I haven’t taken my stimulant medication I am having the day from hell. I didn’t take it because I’m trying to see what the Remeron is doing. However, I while I am not anxious, I am having a lethargic, groggy, emotional day from hell.

I drank a Diet Coke. Oh look, I can THINK. I can TYPE. I can focus for more than two seconds and I don’t feel like I’m going to have a temper tantrum due to the exhaustion of trying to cut through mental fog! And just to drive home to clarity of the point: I never drink caffeine. I’m not a caffeine addict who can’t function without it, I’m an ADHDer who needs an extra boost to function properly. There’s a big difference.

I was so friggin’ impaired half the time when I was younger. How did anyone not notice this!? This is why I say that “high functioning” is just another way to say “better at hiding impairment”. I spent so much every day just trying to function and trying to hide it, and not even self-medicating with caffeine.

I don’t know how I did it, seriously. I really don’t know. I only wish that if I was going to drink caffeine it had been a cherry coke, because I’m too chicken to drink more but I really would have enjoyed that (not a good idea to chug caffeine all day when you are being medicated for anxiety, lol…).


2 thoughts on “How did anyone NOT notice this…

  1. Oh, caffeine. I started sneaking coffee in about second grade. My parents gave up trying to not let me have it–I remember another adult seeing me drink some and my mom saying, no it doesn't make her hyper, it calms her down. I self medicated with caffeine my entire life before medication. And sudafed. Seriously–I thought I just liked the feeling of not being stuffed up, ever, but looking back I was clearly self medicating.It feels so freeing not to need it anymore. I was scared of medication, until I realized I've been using stimulants my whole life, might as well take the right one.

  2. Oh dang, Sudafed…see that's the thing for me, I probably would have self-medicated more, sooner, if stimulants in the wrong doses didn't cause me so many problems. At least with the caffeine I can ingest the little twinge that I need without sending myself off the anxiety deep-end…Sudafed comes in one dose and that dose makes me think I'm going to have a heart attack, lol…And we're lucky we didn't run through the "harder" stimulants…I didn't anyway, and knowing what I know now, I know I would have loooooved cocaine. What a mess that would have been.

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