This behavior on their part is totally, 100% inappropriate. I spend most of the hours of my week being a smart, educated, conscientious, community-involved, competent adult, who really works to take care to hear what the people are me are saying. I feel that my willingness to be “available” to discuss my mental health issues is being abused…but then again, I keep engaging the cycle…right? I just don’t know how to not engage it. I really don’t want to talk to them…but then I see that they seem to have genuine concern, and I feel it’s “right” to address it, and ask them about what they’re concerned about, and try to have an honest conversation, you know, the kind you have to pay therapists to learn how to have?
I am angry, disrupted, resentful, and seriously, right this moment, considering estranging myself from parts of my family because this is the 800th time this had happened. We are able to choose to sever ties with toxic partners…but it’s harder to feel that the severance of family ties is possible, even though they are equally toxic. When I am feeling like this, it feels so very possible.
My therapist says it’s great to try to stick these situations out because I can learn to work through this crap and then maybe learn to stop picking partners for myself who also undeservedly question my competence on a foundational level. But you know what? I’m so sick, literally, of being treated like this. And I’m sick of the fact that no matter how skillfully I learn to attempt the honest approach or deflect when it’s not working I am TIRED. I am tired of negotiating in good faith when first of all I am not even obligated to negotiate and second, that good faith is not being returned.
If I’m sick of having the conversation, I need to simply stop having it. Abandon the cycle in the middle. I think this is the first time in my life where honesty has been a bad thing. My candor and willingness to discuss, accidentally becomes a tool everytime I open my mouth to try to fix the problem. There is nothing to be fixed here that is within my responsibility to address.
There is also no foul mood to apologize for…oh there IS a foul mood, just none to apologize for.