ADHD

Helluva week kid, helluva week

Spent a couple of days recovering from overwork. A large percentage of the reasons I ended up in an overcommitment pickle relate directly to my ADHD and its impact on my decision-making abilities and self esteem. Just knowing that this cause exists has already made it easier for me to begin to stop self-medicating through overworking. And I feel like certain aspects of just getting through daily life seem…a little easier in the last few days?

I’m actually using my calendar now because my iPhone reminds me, with a pleasant little chime, of calendar items. (<—–Seriously, this is shocking.) I wasn't stressed beyond belief yesterday so when I did my laundry I actually sort of divided it into separate piles (remembering that I'd actually put my pants in a drawer this morning though was a challenge…).

And last night I did this thing I’ve been doing for a few weeks where I clean out my bag once a week or when the accumulation of random crap in it becomes too cluttery. What’s this? A…habit forming? Sort of? I actually notice and am annoyed faster by the clutter now, when it’s still just a smidge instead of suddenly noticing it and being pissed and out of control when it’s Mt. Everest-sized or when someone comments on it and embarrasses me. (Do yourself a HUGE favor and read the article Messy Purse Girls one of my favorite articles about girls/women with ADHD). Even in the course of about seven days though it’s amazing how much accumulates in there, particularly in the paper department.

In the last few days I:

  • Completed a huge project.
  • Fielded tons of emails and interpersonal scheduling issues and am re-learning how to deal with these and pace myself.
  • Broke up with the boyfriend. We still live in the same house while we’re figuring what to do next. Urgh.
  • Identified a new relationship with my anxiety (that gets its own post momentarily).
  • Pinpointed what may be causing me what seems like more anxiety even though I swear I’m “getting better”.
  • Attended my first board meeting for a city planning board that I was asked to join.
  • Am drowning because our junior paralegal at work has been out sick…so the entire workload for the office are on my desk…and it’s over my head (literally higher than my head, not beyond my abilities, haha)…and I’m in the middle of re-learning how to prioritize my OWN workload differently, never mind someone else’s on top of it.

Damn…I’m fielding a lot right now. But I swear I feel stress leaving my body more frequently (instead of just festering) and I can actually choose to relax sometimes now instead of being constantly on edge.

And as much as I hate to say it…I am also feeling less stressed since the breakup. I won’t bore with details…but I will say this. My boyfriend is a nice person, who for various reasons was adding a lot of stress to my existence right now, and I just didn’t need that. I need to really focus on my core right now, and our relationship was pulling energy I didn’t have to spare, away from my core. And…it was a great excuse for him to avoid dealing with his OWN “stuff”. Now we’ve both got all the self-discovery space in the world.

I’ve got a lot of “work” to do but…it just doesn’t feel as hard to just do what I need to do. Right now. More space for personal growth but damn, it’s easier to attend to when you’re not just shackled by stress.

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