I am seriously at my wit’s end here, and literally the only productive thing I can do right now, is write a blog post. That’s a pretty sad state of affairs but…I’ll give you the briefest play by play possible of the last 6 months of my life and I think you’ll see exactly where I’m coming from.
- In May of this year a flashbulb finally went on in my brain “oh shit…I think I have something wrong with my brain, maybe ADHD”. Diagnosis followed, and the experiment called working my ass off to learn how to live life in a new way began.
- My life is a totally mixed ADHD bag of brilliant achievements and baffling failures…
- My obligations list…I just can’t even go there right now. It’s too long, that’s all you need to know.
- I can’t do anything about the list until some of the items on it naturally expire.
- Then I had medications kick me in the ass, and flush my precarious balance down the toilet…three times in six months.
- I finally said “THAT IS IT”, and decided that I did, indeed, need to take a week off from work and school so that I could get my head and planning screwed back on straight, to make it through all of this…and that was great until…
- My parent’s business had an unexpected and dire crisis last week and going forward that had to be dealt with…but now I feel worse than I did when I declared that it was time for a week off. And when I made THAT declaration I was in the middle of what was essentially a four day long panic attack.
- Then I accidentally forgot about a work shift because my life is insane and I didn’t have access to my online calendar..and I decided “THAT’S IT! I’m FIGURING OUT HOW TO HAVE A CALENDAR AND ORGANIZING TOOLS ON ME AT ALL TIMES…I AM TAKING CONTROL OF MY LIFE!!! I WILL NOT TOLERATE THIS MADNESS! “.
- So I ordered an iPhone…which arrived late…was difficult to figure out how to set up…and…oh, I’ll get back to this in a minute.
- And just to remind you, for these last several months I have also worked HARD on personal organizing and book-keeping…
- And discovered that taking drugs that WORK for ADHD actually can make life more miserable in the short term because suddenly you can SEE crazy distractions like none other.
- Now, let me tell you about the iPhone. OH WAIT…I forgot one other awesome fact that I have not mentioned nowhere else in this blog…my financial aid check is two months late. The University screwed it up about three different ways and didn’t bother to let me know anything was wrong when I called their office a handful of times to find out what in the hell was going on, so I haven’t REALLY and truly been able to pay my bills. I called and went nuts on them. They allegedly sent it out on Friday. I am not holding my breath.
- Okay…here goes…so I’m so stressed and frustrated at how the more I try to learn new things, and the more I work to eliminate stress from my life, and the more I exercise responsible choices…the more my life is falling apart.
And, now presenting, the ends of the earth, where my sanity is about take a long was off a short pier…the password for the router is missing. It’s been in the same spot for months and it’s gone.
This week, the tidying boyfriend from hell has been moving some of my shit around. I’ve told him before that at the very least, he should not put himself in a position of being blamed by me if things are screwed because he moved my stuff….
I tried waking him up (it’s 3:30AM right now). Twice. He has no clue where the password is.
I cannot even take the tiniest step to organize myself, to help myself feel better in the midst of this craziness. I am utterly powerless, it seems, to make my life not suck, because the harder I try…the more everything else that I do NOT have power to change rolls in to fuck me.
ALRIGHT, I GIVE UP! MY SPIRIT IS BROKEN! I AM TIRED OF TRYING! I WILL NO LONGER TRY TO EXERCISE ANY POWER OR CONTROL OVER ANY PLANS IN LIFE!
I’m not suicidal…I’m not even depressed…but I can’t take this anymore. I cannot, take this, any, more. I CANNOT DO THIS ANYMORE. The next person that asks me for anything is getting hung up on. The next time my boyfriend moves my stuff the ultimatum is never again, or move out, because I CANNOT HANDLE THAT ANYMORE EITHER.
I have spent half of the night hysterical and sobbing because some a-hole lost a password for my one lifeline. Currently, my only lifeline.
I am so disgusted with my world right now. Utterly defeated, frustrated.