This morning, my inner monologue as I scurried around the house “organizing” suddenly became “oh…I think I’ll clean out my wallet”. I pick up the wallet, and am filled with disgust at the collection of receipts I pull out of it. My friend was sitting nearby working on helping me set up my bookkeeping systems. Boyfriend off on his own tangents of organizing. I say to them “hey, is that something that people do? organize their wallets?”. They look at me like they kinda think I’m joking or being a smart ass. I say “no, I’m serious, do people do that? I’m trying to figure out what other people regularly do to keep themselves organized.”. My friend replies, smiling “Yes, people do clean out their wallets. Or just take out the receipts as they go along.”. I know it was amusing to them, but I really, TRULY have never thought about details like this. Knowing that “other people do this” was very important information for me. Now to remind myself regularly to even think of it!
So I took the receipts out of the wallet and found proper homes for them. At the boyfriend’s prodding I also got rid of a couple of old credit cards and store incentive cards that I was never going to use, and my account numbers from my former bank (yes, I know you shouldn’t put them in your wallet anyway, don’t start with me…I already trained myself out of wallet-losing so it’s all good).
I AM fully aware that yes, totally normal everyday folks also sometimes have clutter and disorganization…but apparently everyone else doesn’t have a life where suddenly, three years later you open your trunk and realize you have an archeological dig on your hands (which you should have known about because you hadn’t been able to fit anything in there for almost that long, but the shame and lack of ability to deal with it was too much)? A life where you suddenly can’t fit your wallet in your pocket anymore because of all the stuff in it (and you periodically shove the receipts away in “safe places” that you find a year later because you know that some of the receipts might be business-related and you will need them)? A life where your grade school desk became humiliatingly infested with fruit flies because you forgot you even ate a banana recently, nevermind remembering that you had shoved half of it back in your desk (and you didn’t even realize they were coming from your desk until it was too late…because they rest of the inside of the desk was sooooo messy…argh…)?
Then I sat down to do something I’ve been attempting, fairly successfully, to integrate into my regular weekly activities…cleaning out my bags and notebooks and sorting the papers and things inside. I was able to sit and do it…but can’t pretend it was interesting. In fact, it was god-damned shockingly boring, and I found myself saying “wow guys…regular routine organizing tasks are REALLY FREAKING BORING”. They laughed. They agreed, but seemed to find it amusing that I was just discovering this. Correction, was finally tolerating it.
I know it’s important for me to find ways to do some regular organizing, so I am doing them as I find the ways that work for me, and make decisions about which tasks are important and which are not but damn…I asked to be able to experience more depth in life, not to be bored to death. Oh wait…that’s what depth means. All these little details…that’s it. That’s what I asked for. Merry ADHD Diagnosis!
Dare I type…meh? I just have to console myself with the fact that the actual outcome feels pretty good? (pause) Okay. It does feel damn good. Not as good as a brand new creative idea, but WAY more fun than that sick feeling of turning in your taxes late because you just realized the day before they’re due that you have no idea where all those receipts are that you stuck in all of those “safe places”.
I’m going to picture a little scale in my head with those two realities on either side from now on, when I have to do this boring stuff…and imagine the side with the “boring stuff” on one side, weighty and meaningful, outperforming the “junk food” of fast living on the other side.