Unfortunately, layering this fantastic talk-therapy progress over my frickin’ insane schedule, plus medication adjustments is basically hell. Hi me, nice to meet me, oh, you want me to change my whole life while I’m in grad school, working at least two jobs at any given moment, freelancing, among a whole other ton of–oh wait, look, what’s that there, COOL, a bunch of painful truths about myself that I’ve been avoiding like a plague for like 25 years? AWESOME! Oh hey, what’s that there? LOOK, it’s fossilized and totally-unfounded-yet-very-real-self-hatred and oh crap, look, it just cracked open and IT’S ALIVE…fuck, grab some paper towels people!
Anybody that knows me personally can tell you…while I am VERY expressive, I am also very into personal responsibility, taking charge, kicking myself in the ass and moving forward (a one woman army, watch out, here I come!). I am NOT a gratuitous whiner. I’ll tell people I’m fine and I’ll “power through” right up until the semi is parked on my chest.
Well that moment is here; the semi-is parked on my chest. IT IS ON MY CHEST. I’m pretty sure this is the feeling people have right before they are hospitalized for mental exhaustion. I am hiding at home, I am not working, and far more for my own benefit than for yours, I am writing about it.
I came home and sat with my head rolled back for…I don’t know how long this afternoon. I could not talk, I could not move. I could not even keep my eyes open. I suddenly noticed I was not alone…the cats were sitting, one on either side of me, purring, and looking a little concerned. Just staring. Closed eyes again. I haven’t really moved from that spot.
I know that everything I am going through right now has long-term benefit, but I seriously don’t think I can get through ALL of this simultaneously. Something has to give…the first thing I offered to the fire gods was my self, like I always do. What offering could have been more valuable, right? Well I feel the flames now. I have imperiled myself beyond any point I thought possible, without actually losing my mind…and how long can that last?
I have some choices to make, and I have already reluctantly made the first one, totally counter to my usual decision-making, because I have no other choice: I have chosen myself. I have chosen my sanity. I have chosen to accept that I cannot process all of this at once, while still continuing with EVERYTHING ELSE I am currently committed to. If left to my usual devices, I would rather forsake sleep, health, food and obsessively claw completion toward me. But suddenly, I see danger, for the first time. Thank god.
So, what do I choose? If I have chosen to save myself…then what do I offer as a sacrifice?