Masturbation and delegation…

Tonight is a night of big, magical ideas…the kind that light my soul on fire. Yes, just my soul…yes, the title is only metaphorical.

Many ADHDers, I know, can relate to this feeling. Your mind floats outside of the box, high above the clouds…into nothing less than outer space…crossing paths with comets, recalling ancient, alien languages and speaking them just as easily, breathing anti-air and loving it like chocolate…the freedom of this kind of thinking and this lack of oxygen will get you way high.

Tonight I am planning a party…an event…an act of artistic worship.

The difference just now, is that instead of exploding ideas into existence, burying myself under the masonry of the building pile, burning out, freaking out, pulling myself together and somehow magically getting a result while endangering my health and sanity (even if I’m the only one who realizes the peril, because I’m surreally good at hiding it)…this time here, and for the last month or so, I have been delegating. Collaborating. Slowly finding joy in the freedom, now, of trusting others to help me.

Instead of proving something to myself my trying to be perfect. (An apparently classic tactic of many women with ADHD, in trying to control what seems uncontrollable…)

Instead of deploying motivational anxiety as an army against myself in service to the cause, when I’ve taken on too much. (Damn…that’s one dense sentence. Sorry. I’d rewrite it but it’s a perfect offering on the altar of what not to do as a writer!)

There’s so many layers of transformation at play here I don’t even want to get into it right now because that would be such a buzz kill.

But I’m dreaming of colors and dancing, I’m imagining my way toward and past Saturn, thinking gratefully on the image of my capable and equally inspired collaborator AND…imagining who else we will charm into helping me enact this latest and greatest act of artistic worship and community building!


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