Re Writing the Tapes in the Brain

I suffer from terrible intellectual self-esteem for no good reason.

If I had to speculate, I would say it’s the effects of years of being the out of the box thinker in the room. I don’t know if that kind of thinking is about having ADHD or if it’s just unique to my brain…whatever the case, as a kid, I was often told by my totally awesome peers that I was “odd”. Oh I had friends, they just all thought I was an oddball.

After a while, when people keep reinforcing for you that you don’t think “like them” you start to question yourself.

Doesn’t help (and this is where ADHD comes into play) that spontaneous decisions and impulsivity have made my intellectual path less than linear. And I had average grades in high school and terrible grades as an undergrad…that’s another story.

But here I am, 34 years old, and in grad school (with a 3.8 thank you very much that I have had to battle every ADHD impulse in my body to achieve) and my department chair wrote to me yesterday and asked me to join a committee to help shape the goals of the department and…she said wanted my “incisive intelligence” on her team.

I cried. Yeah…I did. Was she kissing my ass? I don’t know. I don’t care. I felt it in my heart and I cried, and the weird little kid in my brain cried too.


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