Frustrating because in a moment of clarity at the office, I snapped back to the present moment and found myself mid-pace…realized I’d been pacing around the office like a feral cat for a good several minutes while my mind darted from one insistent topic to another. I manually shifted and steered myself back to my desk to reflect and realized that for over a week my mind has been flitting nakedly about, as though medication were simply water. I did the only thing I could do…spent a few minutes making a list of the things that had been bothering me for the past week-ish.
Then I left a message for the NP…time to check in. Right before the bouncing had set back in, I’d visited him and we’d both been pleased with how calm I was seeming, my constant fidgeting non-existent, my mind clicking along at a respectable but manageable pace, and my stomach settled. Things were going so well that my next appointment was set for two months from now. And I’m able to be patient about medication. I know it isn’t always perfect and you have to take things like hormones and simple “bad days” into account, which is why I hadn’t called him before…but a whole week or so of this…a little exhausting. A little discouraging, although what good does it really do to dwell on that. I’ll talk to the NP when he calls back tomorrow and figure out what to do. I’m pretty well informed and comfortable about making decisions for myself, but am also grateful to have a decent guide along for the ride.
The hardest part of this, I think…is that before I took medication I was used to feeling this way. I’m not used to it anymore, so when it happens, I really don’t enjoy it. Those racing thoughts…ugh. Honestly, on medication I still get enough fun, wild ideas, I’m not one of those people who feels freer off the meds, I feel freer ON them. When they’re working, of course.
At least tomorrow my biggest plan is going to the beach. My mind can do whatever it wants.