ADHD

Dark before the dawn…

I sought help for my ADHD symptoms because I was feeling very overwhelmed by my life. To much going on, too many channels in my mind, too many activities in my life, too many mystery piles. Once I had started trying to cut down on my surplus of commitments and piles I realized how much work it was to say no, to make a dent…somehow the jumble just kept turning in on itself, and on me, somehow the pile never got smaller, somehow, everything was always slightly out of my control, or so it felt.

Now I’m taking medication and I think it’s starting to “do” something. It is easier to really hear what other people are saying. The random pacing and fidgeting has lessened. I feel calmer. I have actual identifiable processes of thought rather than Indy-car races from point A to point X.

But my life feels more overwhelming. This confused me until I suddenly realized: I think my newly slowed down brain is able to look at my life and see what my ADHD brain couldn’t. And what it’s seeing is making it say “HOLY SHIT”. It is totally registering overwhelm where my ADHD brain registered “OOOOH THAT’S SHINY AND NEW!” and propelled me fearlessly forward. I sort through boxes of crap that I suddenly “see” and get a sick feeling in my stomach as I realize I really do need to sort through it all, over time of course, to get my life back. ADHD brain has breezed past these boxes many times over the last several years, adding to their contents and number and promising to “do it later” and never following through. Last weekend…five boxes emptied by newly slowed brain.

I anticipate that this issue, overall, will sort itself out over time. What’s really funny is that at first…I thought it meant the medicine wasn’t working. Until I realized all the other good things the medicine was doing and I thought “wait, something doesn’t make sense”. It all makes a lot of sense now…and I just have to keep plugging away at the details of my life while my newly slowed brain politely refrains from adding more toppings to the already full pizza.

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